Be Contrary and Be Known

خالف تعرف 

(Khaalef tu3raf)
"Be Contrary and Be Known"

I am not a victim. 

I refuse to be seen as the victim. I may have been the victim of someone else's actions, but that doesn't make me a victim. I just happen to have experienced extraordinary circumstances. Life changing ones. Tests from God.

And I won't fall for other's expectations. I will fall for God's expectations. I will take care of my family to the best of my abilities. And I will survive (ISA).  And any human who attempts to bring me down, let it be known you won't be on my favorable side :)

True stories:

No, I will not bow down to society's expectations that I am a helpless, needy woman because I'm a single mom and that I don't have a man. Sorry lady, there's a reason God put me through this, and I will embrace it. I will accept it and work with what I have. I only need Him to guide me, not a man.

No, I will not quit my professional job, move in with my parents, stay at home and expect them to support my children and I as I sit around being a bum. Sure, if I ever lose my job or cannot financially support my children, I will turn to my family who would accept me with open arms. But that doesn't mean I should just give up on my life, my own dreams, my goals.

No, I will not let myself shrivel into an ugly, old woman who refuses to take the time to take care of myself. Sweetheart, if you don't like the fact that I'm taking care of myself (mentally, emotionally, and physically), then go fly a kite. Maybe think about taking care of yourself?

No, I will not listen to you tell me that the only things I should do should be for my kids and to forget about having a life because they are the most important things now. Sorry, but I hate to break the news to you. The only way I can take care of my kids is if I take care of me. You call it selfish. I call it keeping my sanity. End of story.

No, I will not spend every single second of my life with my kids. That's just not practical or realistic. And before you jump to conclusions and label me as a bad mom, think for a second. My kids are with me practically 24/7 for 12 days every 2 weeks. On. My. Own. If I go on a mini vacation for two days so I can rejuvenate and recharge myself or spend a few hours with my girl friends over a cup of joe, that's a GOOD thing. Not bad. That doesn't make me a bad mom. That makes me a better mom who is happier, healthier, and more able to take care of my kids. So don't judge me. Single mom or married mom, I suggest it for you too!

The list goes on and on...but there's a moral to the story. I love helping people. With the blessings and grace of God (all thanks goes to Him), I have been able to support my children throughout these trying times, in all aspects - mentally, emotionally, financially. And I have had the honor to help others going through similar situations...to serve as a mentor and guide.  I am truly humbled that they have even chosen to turn to me. I only hope my experiences and advice are an inspiration to them, to remember to keep their heads high, make a realistic goal, and to keep on going.

I refuse to be categorized as a hapless, divorced mom. And if you are or have been in my shoes, don't listen to other's BS aimed at bringing you down. Stand tall and strong. Refute people's and society's low expectations of you...remember, there are others looking up to you for being different and strong. Hold your ground because as the saying goes, "be contrary and be known." 

No Smoke Without Fire

لا دخان بدون نار

"No Smoke Without Fire"

What you may not know about me is that I'm a young, divorced, single mother to two young boys. In my posts, I'll call them Y (10 yrs old) and Z (5.5 yrs old). I've been divorced for over five years now, and it has definitely been a struggle adjusting to my new life. Being divorced is a challenge, being a divorced mother is a bigger challenge, and being a divorced, Muslim mother of two has been the biggest challenge. Divorce is such a taboo topic in our Muslim community and unfortunately women who are divorced are always looked down upon. We're always pointed at, credited with being the "cause" of why "he left her." Well I won't get into that topic (believe me I could talk for ages about that), but all I have to say is just be courteous and leave it up to God to be the judge. It's been such a struggle dealing with this because I know very few women that are in my shoes that I can relate to, and I hope one day I can form a single Muslim moms support group to help others get through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I thank God for giving me the strength, patience, and will to be able to raise my two young sons on my own, and I thank him for blessing me with all of the amazing happenings in my life that have made this struggle so much easier. But I digress...

Given that background, last night was a tough night. One of the bonuses bestowed upon us single moms is dealing with the oh-so-wonderful behavior change in our kids when they come home from the "other" parents house. Oh how fun it is! So last night's chain of events:

- Y rings the doorbell about a hundred times (as he customarily does). C'mon, we all know mom should be ready immediately and no delays!

- Yours truly attempts to say salam (hello) to Y, who so nicely ignores me and storms right past me as he

walks in with a boatload of crap - from clothes left at dad's house, to backpacks to papers to soccer gear. Whatever, you name it!

- Z walks in half asleep complaining that he's tired, and already whining that he wants to go to bed

- Y screams at Z because Z isn't helping him with bringing all of the stuff from the car (um, where is dad in all of this?). It takes two trips for Y to bring all the stuff...

- Y and Z have finally trekked into the house and I customarily walk up the stairs right behind them to tuck them into bed.

And the conversation (or lack thereof) between Y and me continues:

Me (to Y, as I climb up the side of the bunk-bed to give him a kiss and hug and say evening prayers): "Good night habibi"

 (Y squirms to the far side of the bed straight up against the wall, and doesn't respond)

Me (to Y again): "Y, I said goodnight. Are you going to even say anything to me?"

Y: "NO. I'm mad"

Me: "At me?"

Y: "NO. At Z"

Me: "Um ok...So what does that have to do with me?"

(silence)

Me: "OK, so am I going to get a kiss or not?"

(silence, and more squirming against the wall)

Me (to Z, who has since managed to fall asleep in two minutes flat): "Good night habibi"

(one last attempt with Y)

Me: "OK, I guess you don't want to talk to me. Mashi."

So the questions begin to pop into my head. Hmm, I wonder why he's behaving like this? I don't get it. They've had a good weekend...Y was in the soccer championship in his league, but unfortunately lost. Z had a soccer game. The weather was gorgeous. I'm in a good mood after having a time to re-charge myself so I can be a good mom, especially after an extremely rough, stressful few weeks. 

And of course, the devil starts playing with my mind. Did I say or do something wrong? I welcomed them home with open, loving arms. Why is it I always get the difficult end? Maybe his dad said something to him about me? 

And then I realize, at least part of it is just because of the change. Dad's house is full of fun, no schoolwork, no discipline. It's all about the park, playing outside, playing computer games, watching tv. And Y and Z are back to mom's house - the evil house where we have to do our homework, go to bed on time, have limited tv time, limited DSi time. It's back to the nitty gritty. The wonderful rules. Police mom.

*Sigh*

But I'm not convinced that's the only reason why Y was behaving that way. There's got to be a reason why he refused to even say hello to me, much less kiss me goodnight. And you bet, I'm going to find out...

Because, as the saying goes...there is "no smoke without fire".

What is Past Is Dead

اللي فات مات
"What is past is dead"

Today, I am starting a new chapter in my life - blogging! And to help my creative juices flowing, I have decided to base this blog on famous sayings, particularly famous Arabic ones. I may once in a while throw in something non-Arabic, but I always find the Arabic ones to have deep meanings, and of course, funny translations! Every post will begin with a famous saying, and how that saying applies to my life. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the posts! Wish me luck!

So here's to new beginnings...

And as the saying goes...what is past is dead. Let bygones be bygones!