Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Monkey in the Eyes of His Mother is a Gazelle

القرد في عين أمه غزال 
(el-qerd fi 3een 2omo ghazaal)
"The Monkey in the Eyes of His Mother is a Gazelle"

Happy New Year's everyone! I know it's been a while and one of my goals this year is to post more to my blog! So let's see how that goes...

2013 has been off to an interesting start - nothing too exciting, more stressful than expected though. I've officially completed my first year at my new job, which I do love. My boys...are growing up. And quickly. And going through a ton of changes that I am not sure how to handle. It's become my biggest stress - feeling lost at how to handle it all. And with nobody to really turn to for advice on how to handle raising sons as a divorced, single mom, I'm at a loss of what's next?

Y is officially a tween - and definitely giving me a very small taste of what I have to look forward to when the teens arrive. Lord help me! Definitely noticing a huge change and struggling with it. There's a lot more anger, a want for independence, fights with his brother, and holding back on information from me. Yes, he's growing up :( I keep looking at him and wondering what happened to my baby? School is becoming harder and I'm noticing he requests a lot more help from me than usual. Not sure if it's laziness or difficulty with a teacher, but I do know he's still a very intelligent child. On the bright side,  Y has also become a lot more sensitive towards me and can sense when I'm stressed, sad, worried, or upset. Last night I had the worst migraine, and I asked him to make me some tea. I went to bed and the next morning as I was getting ready to take the kids to school, he says: "Mom I made you some tea. I hope you're feeling better." *heart melts* And to me, that trumps everything! I love that he has such a sense of compassion!

Z is also showing signs of struggle. Bed-wetting almost every night has become a common occurrence. His doctor says it's normal for boys at this age. Tells me not to worry, but I do. I've tried a reward system, making sure he doesn't drink before bed, using the bathroom before bed, waking him up in the middle in the night. You name it, I've tried it. He says he just sleeps too deeply and can't feel anything. The good news, as soon as it's happened he wakes up. Before, he used to sleep right through it and wake up wet. So some progress there...let's hope for more good news soon. Z is also having a lot more tantrums. Going to school in the morning has become a struggle. This morning's argument was about what he wants to wear to school. Apparently everything in his entire wardrobe isn't enough. I've never seen such a picky child! But I'm sure they do exist ;) Anyhow, after the crazy tantrums we've had the past few days, Z definitely knew I was upset. And last night he came to my room with a note:

"Dear Mama, I'm sorry what I did last night. I sware (sp) I won't do it any more. I'm sorry I did that. Love, Z"

*Heart melts again*. And that too trumps everything!

Yet, I've been struggling lately with myself. I've been questioning why the boys have been so difficult lately - fighting, arguing, being unappreciative. I keep getting this feeling that I'm not doing enough as a mom or spending enough time with the boys. I feel bad for not providing what I thought was a proper childhood to these kids - a house with a nice backyard, a stay-at-home-mom, a "normal" family according to society. All things I grew up with.   But I've come to learn through experience and my support system that a "proper childhood" is all relative. It's how *I* handle things that makes all the difference. That as long as I am doing everything within my power to the best of my ability and they are for the most part happy, well-behaved (thank God) children, than THAT's what a proper upbringing is. It is to grow up in a loving household - where we have each other's backs. I have their back, and my boys have mine. And I know that because I get tea when Y knows I'm not feeling well and Z writes me a sweet note when he notices I'm sad. I must be doing *something* right :) And it's good to keep reminding myself of that. And for those of you who know me...as soon as you start hearing me complain or vent that I'm feeling like a crappy mom, PLEASE continue to remind me of all the good things. I know I still have a long road ahead, but I'll continue to strive to improve on being a better mom and providing a well-balanced life to my boys.

Indeed, they are two of my greatest blessings. As naughty as they are, as much trouble as they cause, as much as they can make me upset...they are still the best things that have ever happened to me. I hope I've done a good job in raising them - that to me is the most important job that I can ever have.  I love them dearly and pray to God that he protects them, blesses them, and allows me to see them grow up to be responsible, wise, and caring men.

I don't want to turn this into something all sappy - because I generally dislike sappiness, especially public display of it. But I want my boys one day to read this, look back and realize that they gave me the willpower (of course after God) to keep my chin up and be the best mother that I can be.

Y, Z - with all of your imperfections, to me you are PERFECT. 

Yes, only a child's mother can look beyond all his/her negatives and see the beautiful blessing they are. Because as the saying goes, the monkey in the eyes of his mother is a gazelle.